Promises Kept

I am exhausted.

Do you know how tiring it is to not get along with my husband -
even if it's only for a few days?

Very!

We're not completely finished with our stuff, but we've passed that stage where we ignore one
another and are extremely loving to the girls - and ONLY the girls.

There are still things to discuss and issues to revisit.  It's an odd dance that we do -

the process of arguing and making up.

It's probably because:

(1)

I am extremely good at

not talking things out

cleaning furiously when I'm upset

holding a grudge and refusing affections.

and (2)

I'm not so good at

apologizing for my mistakes

accepting forgiveness

receiving love.

What does that say to my husband?

I don't believe you when you say you forgive me.

I don't believe you when you say you will never leave me.

I don't believe you when you say you will always love me.

What does that say to my God?

I don't deserve the husband that you've given me.

You must have been wrong to have created me the way that You did.

I refuse the Love that you've given, that you continue to give me - I'm much better than that, clearly.

Why is it so frustrating when things aren't going my way?

Why do I go crazy when I don't have control?

It's because I'm focused on

ME

my wants

my needs

my comfort

my schedule

my lists

my WHATEVER

God's still working.  Bill's still beside me.

Their promises ring true.

I'm a happy girl.