Thursday, February 9, 2012

Promises Kept

I am exhausted.
Do you know how tiring it is to not get along with my husband -
even if it's only for a few days?
We're not completely finished with our stuff, but we've passed that stage where we ignore one
another and are extremely loving to the girls - and ONLY the girls.
There are still things to discuss and issues to revisit.  It's an odd dance that we do -
the process of arguing and making up.

It's probably because:

I am extremely good at
not talking things out
cleaning furiously when I'm upset
holding a grudge and refusing affections.

and (2)
I'm not so good at
apologizing for my mistakes
accepting forgiveness
receiving love.

What does that say to my husband?
I don't believe you when you say you forgive me.
I don't believe you when you say you will never leave me.
I don't believe you when you say you will always love me.

What does that say to my God?
I don't deserve the husband that you've given me.
You must have been wrong to have created me the way that You did.
I refuse the Love that you've given, that you continue to give me - I'm much better than that, clearly.

Why is it so frustrating when things aren't going my way?
Why do I go crazy when I don't have control?

It's because I'm focused on
my wants
my needs
my comfort
my schedule
my lists

God's still working.  Bill's still beside me.
Their promises ring true.
I'm a happy girl.


Lindsey@ Harpersville Home said...


Thanks for being so honest about your marriage! It helps those of us who are almost *certain* no one else they know has such disagreements! :( We too do the same things. And I have the same feelings. And just yesterday I had to eat my words and apologize, saying that I couldn't believe how self centered I was. I'm sorry for your "tiff", but also very thankful for your openness. :)

Grace said...

Lindsey - it amazes me time and time again how rotten I can be! I'm thankful Bill and I both realize we're imperfect people trying to love each other the way God wants us to love. It definitely isn't easy, but I'm happy to be doing life with him by my side!